i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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