corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
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It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
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