Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
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