The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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