I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
I think i got beer on your cat.
Randomize
