Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
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