Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
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