Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
Randomize
