We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
