Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
Randomize
