omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
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