I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
Define "chronic" masturbator.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
