I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
I miss vodka workout Fridays
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I would reevaluate a bf who is happy with other guys doing me.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
Why did my mother make you get naked?
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