I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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