Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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