I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
My roommate just did the walk of shame in last nights corset back to our room to find her dad there. THATS why i go to school out of state.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
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