My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
