So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
Randomize
