Me too ba-by. I wanna bite your ear lobes they are so fat.
fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
she woke up with a sticky ear
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
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