You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
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