wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
Randomize
