there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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