i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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