Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
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