She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
Randomize
