Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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