I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Randomize
