when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
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