He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
