guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
Pappa wants mamma naked
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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