My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
We have started to decorate penises.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Randomize
