Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
