i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Randomize
