I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
so that girl updated her facebook status as "had the worst night ever last night"
um, i could be wrong but i think it might've had something to do with mark drunkenly screaming about her unibrow right in front of her
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
Randomize
