I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
