I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
Randomize
