i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
Randomize
