does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
Randomize
