Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
He keeps bees of course he's weird
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
Randomize
