if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
