I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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