I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
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