she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
Randomize
