i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
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I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
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alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
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