My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
Randomize
