Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
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