the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
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