i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
