I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
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