I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
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