i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Randomize
