I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
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