R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Randomize
