I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
Too much gin, very little bucket
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
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