Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
Randomize
