ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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