The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
