I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Randomize
