You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
If by whore you mean UPGRADE....then yes I am
Randomize
