goodnight i made you a song goodbye
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
