He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
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I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
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God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
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